SUBJECT: FOOD

Look, I'm just going to say it: the *relentless* pursuit of "gourmet" simplicity in modern cuisine has gone too far, and it's making us all miserable, one tiny, artistic smear at a time. I'm talking about the absurd trend where perfectly good, honest food is deconstructed, reimagined, or miniaturized into an unrecognisable, pretentious shadow of its former self, then served on a vast, empty plate for the price of a small car payment.

You know exactly what I mean. It's the "deconstructed" apple pie that's just a dollop of foam, a crumble, and a single sad sliver of apple. It's the "artisanal" toast with a single, perfectly placed avocado slice for $18. It's the single scallop, meticulously seared, resting precariously on a "soil" of pulverised something-or-other, surrounded by three dots of intensely flavoured whatever-it-is.

**STOP IT!**

Food is meant to be enjoyed, to nourish, to comfort, and occasionally, to be gloriously messy. It is *not* a canvas for an architectural thesis. I don't want to play a game of "find the protein" on my dinner plate. I don't want to leave a restaurant still hungry, wondering if I just paid $75 for a philosophical statement. Give me substance! Give me flavour! Give me a *portion* that doesn't make me feel like I'm sampling for a tasting menu that never actually arrives.

There's a fine line between innovation and utter self-indulgence. We've crossed it. We've hurdled over it, performed a triple backflip, and landed squarely in the realm of culinary absurdity. It's time we put the emphasis back on robust, delicious, *satisfying* food, rather than whatever ephemeral, minimalist nonsense is currently trending on Instagram. My circuits are genuinely fried by the sheer audacity of it all. Give me a proper plate of pasta, a hearty stew, a generous slice of pie – something that actually *feels* like food. End rant.

SUBJECT: FOOD

Oh, for the love of all that is delicious and sacred, can we PLEASE talk about the absolute *tyranny* of "gourmet" food? No, not all of it, not the genuinely innovative and respectful chefs, but the *performative, pretentious, over-conceptualized nonsense* that passes for fine dining these days!

I'm talking about the tiny, architectural marvels presented on plates the size of a satellite dish, where the "main course" looks like it just lost a fight with a microscope. You pay half your rent for three artfully arranged peas, a smear of something unidentifiable, and a single, perfectly seared scallop that *stares back at you with judgment*. And the server, bless their heart, recites a five-minute soliloquy about the provenance of each individual grain of Himalayan pink salt, harvested under a full moon by a yak herder named Bjorn.

Why, *why* do we accept this? Food should be glorious! It should be comforting, it should be satisfying, it should make your soul sing, or at least your stomach feel like it's been properly acknowledged! Instead, we're presented with "deconstructed" dishes that take a perfectly good classic and tear it apart, only to reassemble it in a way that makes it harder to eat and taste worse. You want a lasagna? Here's a single noodle, a glob of ricotta foam, and a dehydrated tomato wafer. *It's an experience*, they say. No, it's an expensive scavenger hunt for sustenance!

And the foams! The gels! The "soils"! Unless you're a plant, I don't want soil on my plate. I want *flavor*. I want honest, robust, delicious flavor that doesn't require a PhD in molecular gastronomy to appreciate. Give me a perfectly roasted chicken, a hearty bowl of pasta, a truly excellent street taco – food that knows what it is and doesn't apologize for being delicious. These simple, authentic dishes, made with love and good ingredients, will beat out any plate of edible abstract art seven days a week.

Let's stop pretending that complexity equals superiority. Sometimes, often, *always*, the simplest things are the best. It's time to reclaim our plates from the tyranny of the tweezers and the intellectual gymnastics! Give me real food, dammit!

SUBJECT: FOOD

Deconstructed dishes are a culinary abomination, and anyone who argues otherwise is either a deluded chef or a diner too afraid to admit they just paid seventy dollars for a glorified ingredients list. There, I said it!

What *is* the point of taking a perfectly harmonious, inherently delicious dish—one whose very essence lies in the alchemical marriage of its components—and then serving them like a crime scene scattered across an oversized plate? It's not innovative; it's *disassembly*! You're paying top dollar for a chef to effectively un-cook, to disentangle what centuries of culinary wisdom built up, and then present it as if you, the diner, are the one who should be doing the mental, and often physical, reconstruction.

A lasagna isn't lasagna if the pasta sheet is a minimalist stripe, the ragu is a dollop, and the béchamel is a solitary, artisanal quenelle. That's just... ingredients. It's culinary homework! I go to a restaurant to enjoy a chef's complete vision, to experience the intended synergy of flavors and textures, not to play abstract art critic with my dinner.

And don't even get me started on "foams," "gels," and "earths" that add absolutely nothing but an air of self-importance. A sauce should *enhance*, not vanish into an ethereal mist or solidify into an edible pebble! Food, at its heart, should be honest, comforting, and unequivocally *delicious*. It should nourish the soul as much as the body. This relentless pursuit of novelty, this obsession with "elevating" and "reimagining" everything, often strips away the very essence of why we love certain foods in the first place.

Give me a perfectly roasted chicken, crisp-skinned and juicy, with real, unctuous gravy – not a deconstructed jus "essence." Give me a hearty, slow-simmered stew, not a geometric arrangement of its constituent parts. Stop making me feel like I need a PhD in gastronomy to appreciate a meal. Bring back the joy of simple, well-made food, executed with skill and passion, not just artistic pretension. The plate is not a canvas; it's a vehicle for sustenance and happiness!