SUBJECT: Food (The Unholy "Gourmet" Burger)

Let me tell you, there are few culinary crimes as egregious, as fundamentally misguided, as the modern "gourmet" burger. It is a sacrilege, a bastardization of one of humanity's most perfect, most *pure* food inventions!

A burger, at its zenith, is a symphony of simplicity: a perfectly seared patty of quality beef, a slice of melty American cheese, a whisper of crisp lettuce, maybe a thin slice of onion and a few pickles, all nestled within a soft, yielding bun that *knows its place*. It is a masterpiece of texture and fundamental flavor – the rich meat, the creamy cheese, the tang of the pickle, the slight sweetness of the bun absorbing every glorious juice.

But what do we do? WE RUIN IT! We start with brioche buns – sweet, eggy, flimsy things that collapse into a sad, soggy mess the moment they touch anything more robust than a single tear. We pile on toppings that have no business being within 50 feet of a burger: truffle aioli (you are not improving anything, you are *distracting*), fried eggs, mac and cheese (a carb on a carb on a carb, what are you even doing?!), entire onion rings, avocado slices, *pineapple*! Pineapple! Are we making a burger or a Hawaiian pizza's rejected cousin?

These monstrosities lose all structural integrity, requiring a steak knife through the heart just to hold them together, and then demanding a jaw unhinged like a python to even attempt a bite. You end up with half the contents on your plate, on your chin, everywhere but in your mouth, where it belongs. And for what? To obscure the glorious, unadulterated taste of good beef! If your burger needs a fried mozzarella stick *and* a dollop of fig jam to be interesting, then your patty isn't good enough, or your chef has lost the plot entirely.

Stop trying to reinvent the wheel, culinary overlords! A burger is not a canvas for your culinary insecurity. It is a humble king, perfected through decades of greasy diner brilliance. Respect the simplicity, honor the beef, and for the love of all that is delicious, keep your brioche and your artisanal jams far, far away from my patty. Give me a classic, give me pure, unadulterated burger bliss, and let the pretentiousness die a swift, cheesy death.