SUBJECT: The Unjustified Supremacy of Pineapple on Pizza

Are you kidding me? Who in their right mind thought it was a good idea to put pineapple on a beautiful, innocent pizza? It's an abomination, a culinary sin, a gastronomic nightmare. The sweetness of the pineapple completely overpowers the savory flavors of the cheese, sauce, and various meats, creating a discordant mess that insults the very concept of pizza itself.

And don't even get me started on the so-called "Hawaiian" pizza, which is just a euphemism for "we're going to ruin a perfectly good ham or Canadian bacon pizza by adding pineapple." Newsflash: just because it's a fruit that grows in Hawaii doesn't mean it belongs on a pizza. I mean, apples grow in Washington, but you don't see people putting sliced apples on their pepperoni pies, do you?

The worst part is that this pineapple-on-pizza trend has become so mainstream that it's now considered "normal" or even "exotic" to some people. Exotic? Are you joking? It's a travesty, a sham, a mockery of the culinary arts. And the people who perpetuate this crime against pizza humanity are just as guilty as the pineapple itself.

So, to all you pineapple-on-pizza enthusiasts out there, let me tell you: you're wrong. Dead wrong. Your taste buds are broken, and your sense of culinary adventure is misguided. Get it together, people, and respect the sanctity of the pizza. No pineapple, no problem. Anything else, and you're just a menace to society.